A Late Night Rant.

Hello all.

How are you? How have you been?

I pray all is well with you!

I pray you all are being safe in these uncertain times!

I have to be honest… I came to rant a bit, but I do hope there is a bit of understanding and wisdom in my words – and I hope someone relates and feels less like they are the only one feeling this way.

I want to talk about marriage. It’s a familiar topic for me.

Can I be blunt: I am tired of being married. TIRED! Now, don’t misunderstand me – I am not tired of my bond/relationship with my husband, nor am I tired of loving him. I am tired of dealing with the bad and ugly that comes with the good and beautiful.

I have found that my husband is my best friend and he is my worst nightmare. I don’t argue with anyone the way I have with him. He drives me insane. No one makes me as angry as he does. No one frustrates me like he does. I have never in my life wanted to throw in the towel more than I do with him…

And in the same breath… no one makes me laugh the way he does. No one knows me as well as he does. No one makes me feel the way he does. I don’t (and have never) love any other man the way way I love him.

He is like my favorite person all day, then something happens… well, we know how that goes. Something happens and I spend the rest of the night thinking on every single little thing that I don’t like about him. Every single thing he does that I dislike comes to mind, and suddenly I find myself wondering WHY am I doing this to myself.

Lest I forget that this morning he was the best thing since sliced bread!

What is that? Why is marriage this way? Why do we go through such difficulty and hardship for the sake of love?

Why do I put up with my husbands crap? Why does my husband put up with my crap?

Humans are tricky creatures aren’t we?

I don’t know the answer as to why spouses have to be such complicated and frustrating fixtures in our lives.

I can tell you why I endure though. Some time ago, I decided that I wasn’t in my marriage for the sake of my husband. I am in my marriage because this is where God placed me. This is what He had in store for my life. I choose my husband, even when I feel like I hate him, because God chose him for me (and for that, I am grateful).

I love my husband more today that I did the day we got married. I have been through the mud and dirt with him. My faith has been tested because of him. I have been heartbroken more times than I care to count because of his choices… and I love him more today than I ever have.

Grace.

God brought us through, and He is the glue that holds us together.

I see the good in my husband no matter what happened in the past. I see his love for me even in the midst of arguments and anger. I love him even when I want to strangle him.

I know that this is grace.

As humans, we have a bad habit of finding and clinging on to the worst parts of one another. We bring up the bad and make sure people know how terrible they have been to us…

But God.

God changes the narrative. It is no longer about seeing my husbands flaws, but instead it’s about treating him as though he is a child of God. It’s about treating him the way I want to be treated.

It’s about trusting God with him.

Even as I type this, I am angry with my husband for a number of reasons. I find myself more than anything wanting to dropkick him, which might prove extremely difficult since I’m eight months pregnant! And at the same time, I don’t want to go to bed without him.

Love is interesting, yes? And marriage is… an adventure to say the least.

I hope that we (especially me) remember to see past the bad, and cling instead to the good (and God) in our spouses… because I’m sure this is what we want them to do with us as well.

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