How long has it been? Too long as usual.
I pray everyone had a blessed and beautiful Thanksgiving! I did. I fell deeply in love. I ate, and then ate some more. I slept late. I did no schoolwork what-so-ever (this part, I will regret… maybe).
My first nephew was born the day before Thanksgiving. To think I would have such a strong reaction to this child that is not mine is crazy, but did I give God His glory! My nephew, made in the image of my perfect God, is as close to perfect as anyone of us will ever come in our lifetimes (as are all babies, because babies have not yet been tainted by the world, so they’re as close to the image of perfection as we can get, you know? Of course, we’re talking about my nephew right now, so let’s carry on…). He is simply breathtaking. He is beautiful. I love him with everything in me. I love him like I love my own being. I love him unconditionally. I LOVE HIM. I was in awe. I kept thinking, ‘look at what God made. My God… You certainly outdid Yourself, Abba. He is wonderful!’ I am grateful for my nephew.
Thanksgiving was a blessing. I made everything on my list of things to make, and even though the building had to evacuate due to someone severely burning their meal… a twenty minute delay was significantly preferential to a burning building. Thank You Jesus! I ate with loved ones, and for that I was also grateful. AND I slept GOOD that night.
I did very little the next day, and that felt great!
Yet this morning, I felt… distracted. I did not feel like myself. I wrote a letter to YAHWEH this morning, seeking help. See, I missed intercessory prayer; I mean, my mind was not set to do it at all! And my thoughts have been everywhere. I suddenly realized that I’ve been lazy, and just so very distracted! So, I wrote a letter asking for some help and encouragement.
See, this thing is… I feel like I have not done nearly enough of the things I need to do. I should be further in the book of Isaiah, I should be ahead in schoolwork, I should be back on track with my eating and health habits, I should be packing, I should be praying more, I should have cleaned up more stuff around our place by now, I should have finished my leisure reading by now. I should be doing more!
Why am I not doing MORE?
Why do I feel like I am not doing enough???
Why am I so hard on myself???
And this question came after a moment of prayerful reflection… why am I focusing on me?
A dear friend and classmate often tells me that I’m too hard on myself. Recently, a dear sister of mine sent me a photo on Instagram echoing the same sentiment: stop being so hard on yourself.
Further, I hear firmly in the back of my mind this: Focus on God. Stop worrying about this other stuff and trust HIM.
When I step back and take stock of everything, I am good. God has me firmly planted in the palm of His hand, and I am doing fine. Like I said in the very first lines of this rambling: I had a great holiday break.
Why then, do I not accept these past few days as a great break versus a lack a discipline and an attack of distracting thoughts?
Why do we do that to ourselves? We worry. We look at the future and worry about how it will all get accomplished. But Philippians tells us differently: do not worry, do not be anxious! Why is it so hard to follow the Word? Why do we struggle so in trusting God? Instead of beating myself up this morning for missing prayer, and for not having accomplished “MORE” in these past few days… why did I not say: thank You Abba, for the many blessings these past few days, and thank You for getting me back on track for the path ahead.
Is it that much easier to beat ourselves up, and make ourselves feel terrible, than to be grateful for where we are and what God will do for us?
To say, “as a Christian, I need to do better” is another form of self-judgement and belittlement. So how about I try this… as a Christian, and child of God, I’m covered. I’m going to relax and let God be great.