Not Okay.

The last time I wrote on my blog was June 24th… it is now Sept. 13th. To say I am disappointed in myself is an understatement. What happened exactly? What kept me away for so long? I guess distractions… and life. Maybe the television too. Eh…

So what brings me back?

Well, the usual… expressing my feelings, of course.

Truth: my heart is heavy. I’m tired. I may feel depressed. I feel like I don’t really have anyone to talk to about things, or at least… no one who I feel will really be the support I need. I want to cry… often. I am lonely. I don’t want to do anything but sleep… and I hate this new block editor on here.

More truth: I feel that my desire to prove that my faith is strong had been keeping me from really expressing how I feel.

And to be CLEAR: I am not blaming God, at all. He is still worthy to be praised, regardless of how I feel. He is still my God, and still a good God. I think, though, that I’ve convinced myself that how I feel can be “ignored”. I remind myself that my feelings are just an attack of the enemy, and as long as I trust in God and focus on Him, everything will be fine. Well, yes, this IS true… but it does not negate that fact that I still FEEL. And those feelings will not be better if I keep suppressing and ignoring them.

So then, I try to remind myself that I need to go to God FIRST with everything, and tell Him how I feel at all times. And this is also true, however I realize now that it is not the only step that needs to be taken. God does the providential, but I still must do the practical. I should still reach out to friends, spend time doing things I enjoy, talk to people I trust, and engage in “self-care”… right?

So, why dont I?

That IS the question. Why, Christian-Black-woman, living with narcolepsy, experiencing symptoms of depression, are you not taking care of yourself? Seriously though, why am I not doing the practical here?

Well, I’ve figured this much out… (I apologize if this sounds like a lot of whining… of course, you also don’t have to read it.)

1.) Narcolepsy causes me a number of issues, sleeping all day being one of them, and some days I feel like sleeping is the only thing I CAN do. I hate it.

2.) I’ve wanted to cry often lately, and I now realize that the deep seated need to howl and sob and scream has been building for a while now. I am frustrated and angry and hurt over a number of things, and I have yet to find solutions or peace for any of them. I also have yet to allow myself to truly break down and cry.

3.) I really do want to talk to someone and let everything out, but I don’t know who. (a) My close friends are all living great lives hundreds of miles away (and honestly I feel like my issues would burden them), OR they have their own issues on their plates and I would hate to add more despair to their lives. (b) My family is not really a “sharing feelings” type of family. Don’t get me wrong, I love them with everything in me and I am grateful to God for them, but they are kind of “tough” and I am kind of not lol. (c) My husband… well, I love him, also with everything in me… but I just dont think I can talk to him the way I need to. (d) I actually am just too embarrassed to share my feelings and issues with anyone like I need to (this sounds extremely accurate). And so in the end, I feel isolated, sad, and lonely.

Another truth: this could easily be of my own making. I could absolutely reach out to someone… like, just go for it. And they may very well be there for me, and say all the right things… Then again, it could be simpler to just not, you know… in case they are busy with their families, friends, work, etc… (sounds like that “too embarrassed to share my feelings and issues with anyone” is extremely-extremely accurate).

Maybe I just needed to express myself and now that I’ve written my words, I will be all better? Or at least, it is a start.

The point: I am not okay right now… But I feel a lot better just admitting it.

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