Reflecting on past reflections… a short rant.

On March 15, 2019, I began writing this post:

I went to my doctor’s appointment today with optimism because I knew that once this situation was fixed, the other stuff would be more bearable. Part of my excitement was simply because I would have a win in the situation and I definitely could use a win, right… Except the expert look me in my face and said to me that he just didn’t know. He said he had no idea how to help me. And the thing is… he kept harping on how he knew that I was doing the best I could in managing “my” narcolepsy. In managing “my” symptoms and surely just life period… I was doing the best I could. || And he reiterated these sentiments to me so often (I mean, so many times) during the appointment that it made me feel like he didn’t really mean it. It started to sound like, “yeah, it’s not going to get better” and “oh yes, you’re stuck dear… and it does indeed suck”. And I just… I don’t know what point of the appointment it happened, but I just suddenly felt as if I’d lost hope. I was just so disappointed… so freaking disappointed! || But then, I had a moment of revelation. In my head I was thinking, “this expert can’t even help me… what am I supposed to do now??? No one can help me!” And suddenly, the next thought was… God is the only one who can fix this. God is the only one who can help me. || That is what matters the most. My day was so rough and kind of disappointing… but also imperative and pivotal, because of that realization. I feel like that’s how it’s supposed to be! No, the doctor doesn’t know everything, he possibly knows nothing! But God (DUH!)! God is the only one who can help me and that’s how it should be. I feel that I’ve been searching in the wrong places to fix the situations that I encounter… maybe? Okay so I took a night and now my perspective is a little changed…

A little over a year later, I’m working on a different post, but decide instead to follow with this one.

Now… what did my perspective change to that evening? Heck if I know, but I can tell you about where it is now…

Side note: in the above excerpt, “my” is in quotations because I don’t accept this condition, nor do I receive it. It is a condition I am living with, battling with, experiencing life with… It is not “mine”. I am not the condition; I am currently contenting with it.

Why did I decide to pick up on that bit of writing? Because I remembered that day and how hurt I was… how disappointed and frustrated I was. But I see where I am now, and I simply must reflect on the growth.

So, this part:

I feel like that’s how it’s supposed to be! God is the only one who can help me and that’s how it should be. I feel that I’ve been searching in the wrong places to fix the situations that I encounter… maybe?….

I realize today more than yesterday, and likely tomorrow more than today, that God is the only one who can help you (me, you, us, whatever, focus on what I’m saying). I have experienced some things in this life… and what I’ve experienced is likely nothing compared to what others have endured, and then maybe it’s too much for others to have borne. It doesn’t matter, because my journey is mine, like your journey is yours, and we don’t need to compare them, we need to grow in them.

One thing we need to understand if we expect to grow and be successful in our journey:

God is the only one who can transform your heart and make you new.

It is the truth.

My mind cannot be changed in this.

Here’s “that part” though…. how are we to be transformed? Well… one important thing we need to do is take a look at how we view and fix our situations!

I think our main issues can be summarized in two questions:

1.) Who are you looking to for help?

2.) What are YOU doing?

I learned after that visit that doctors would be of no use, and according to that one, my life would never change or improve with this. That could have broken me down, however… at some point I learned about Jehovah Rapha. Then I got to thinking that I can be healed. Then I got to believing it. Yes, I live with narcolepsy, but the thing it, I am living with it. LIVING: trusting God through every moment and circumstance. Who am I looking to? God!

And this makes the different. Look to God. Our parents, significant others, children, friends, siblings, whoever, right… they can be helpful, and they are great resources, but are you looking to them when you’re in need? Are you placing your hope in a person, expecting them to be your source of help? Because they aren’t and never can be.

God is the source – everything else is a resource. God will use parents, significant others, children, friends, siblings, yeah – all them, as resources, but the thing is: HE is the source. When you become dependent on and start looking to a resource, that is where you mess up! See, a resource can be changed. ((Example::)) If you’re looking toward your sister as your source of help, and she fails, what happened to your hope (and faith)? I’ll tell you what happens: it falters. But when you look to God, the source, and place your hope in Him, he uses ANY resource He chooses to come through for you. THIS MEANS: when your sister fails, but you remember that God is the one you’re looking to, her failure doesn’t matter because your friend can come through bigger and better that what your sister would have! (That is God moving)

AND what are YOU doing? You must believe that things are not as they seem, and you must speak life over your circumstances. You can (will) have what God says you can (will) have, if you do what God says for you to do. Part of this is what you say! The power of life and death are in our words! You must speak LIFE over your life. What are you speaking is the question?

Once, my mother said on the phone to me, “you know that runs in our blood…” WHO was my question! I said, “NOT I MA’AM!” See, those generational curses STOP HERE! Matter of fact: they stop with my mom, and I don’t even SEE them!

What are you speaking over your life? God can fix those things you think are unfixable and He can transform those things you think will never change. It is the truth.

I am glad the doctor doesn’t know how to help, because as I thrive, I remember who to attribute my success to – God did that.


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