Marriage is not “fun”. Honestly, it’s not.
Don’t get me wrong… it can be rewarding and beautiful. There are fun times. You will grow and mature in it, if you make the effort to do so. It can be the cause of some of the best moments of your life… but, it is not just a fun, easy experience. It is hard, and at times it can down right suck.
My marriage. My marriage is far from perfect. It has been hard, hard work. It has been a nightmare at times. My husband has been the very source of my worst heartache and the object of the type of rage I’d never thought myself possible of experiencing. It has not been fun.
However, has it been worth it?
My marriage. My marriage has ALSO, quite often, been my haven and escape from reality. My husband has been the source of uncontrollable laughter, and cheek splitting grins. He has been the reason my pulse races, my body comes alive, and my heart smiles. That is the best way to describe that feeling… he makes my heart smile. I get excited when he comes home from work, and I get sad when he has to pull extra duty.
Marriage is a give and take. It is good and bad. I suppose I decided I was willing to take the good and the bad.
That decision, however, did not rest solely on my desire to spend bad days with my husband over good days with someone else. Actually, it had little to do with my husband. That decision revolved largely, almost solely, around my relationship with God. I believe that my husband is my husband because God made it so (I truly believe that). Even further, I chose to stand at an alter and make a vow before/to God… a vow to love my husband and stand by him through thick and thin. How many people take that part seriously though?
How many people really think about it, then say… if my spouse does X, Y, or Z… I’m STILL STAYING? I did not. Because I did not, I was ready to take the marriage L less than two years in. I was utterly done. Why did I stay, then? I don’t know… leaving never sat well with me. I never was able to bring myself to just say, “it’s over”… I just couldn’t.
One evening, at bible study, when I’d reached a particularly low point [where my husband and I had more problems than one would think possible], I recall having this revelation about a particular situation. It just hit me, and like that, so many things became clear. I realized shortly after that I had been the cause of one of the issues we were having. ME. I had failed to look at things from his view, I’d failed to support him, I’d failed to meet him where he was. I simply finger pointed and pointed out all he’d done wrong. I spoke to my husband about that situation, and we talked about it, at length. What happened next was crazy… that issue, that had been festering for months, just disappeared. It was no longer an issue. We grew from it. I know, without a doubt, that it was God moving.
I think this is may be the real issue: people just get married. They don’t understand the meaning of marriage, the reason it was created, or what it really means (and no, I don’t plan to go into all of that now). We don’t consider the vows we made before God… we just don’t. I wonder… if we saw marriage as a covenant between two people AND God, how many people would be more mindful of entering into a marriage? How many would be less willing to leave their marriage? I had to change the way I viewed my marriage. My marriage is NOT about me; it is about us… and US is really about God. My needs are not the only ones, my desires aren’t the only ones, and my mistakes are OURS to bear, just as his are.
I have been learning and growing. My marriage has been benefiting from my expanding faith. As I have become more of who I am meant to be, I have taken lessons learned and applied them to my marriage, and I see God moving between us.
My husband is… who he is. He is growing, maturing, and getting better. I know this because I chose to speak life over him. Daily I pray for him. Daily I chose him.
A slight… situation… occurred recently. I did not get upset, nor did I argue or lash out. I asked God to get His child. Something else I’ve learned: at times, my husband’s actions have resulted in (and will continue to result in) tests of my faith. And I had been failing miserably. One day, once I understood that message, I got tired of failing. I’ve been trying a new approach. If something happens, instead of blaming my husband, I blame sin, I blame satan, I blame a fallen world, and I may even express to him that he might want to stop letting the devil make a fool of him. I do NOT make him, his mistake. Then instead of figuring it out myself, I go to God like:
“Lord, that is your child, this is the marriage You brought together, and I know You would never have me out here any kind of way, so I trust You and whatever Your plan is, I’m staying the course – and I pray you strengthen my husband to get in step with Your plan, because I know You don’t play games when it comes to Yours, and I AM Yours! WE are Yours!”
I have a peace that is beyond understanding, and I see the transformation in my husband daily.
Somethings I’ve learned about God: He IS faithful and loyal. He has exposed every wrongdoing of my husband (not saying that there is an infinite list or anything, goodness!), not for me to have power over him, but because I pray about E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. When I am faithful, God sees that, and He has my back. The perks of belonging to God are endless (ya’ll don’t hear me)! One of those perks is His presence in your marriage. I BEG Him to be present – all up in, and through, every single aspect of my marriage, and He has not failed me.
It can seem however it seems; it can “not” sit well with many, it can sound however it sounds, but for me, it is the only option I plan to take. I trust God, and I choose to, along with my husband, make my marriage worth fighting for.
Our song is Gallant’s “Doesn’t Matter”. He says in the hook, “stay forever young in your state of mind/dying for your love, call it killing time/no matter what you do, I’ll be on your side… I remember one night breaking down and crying after listening to that part, because something in me came to a crashing realization… I had decided in my heart (much to the dismay of my head) that no matter what, I would be on his side. I remain confident that he is the man God chose for me to marry. No matter what, I remain loyal and faithful to my marriage, first because I made this commitment to God, but also because I trust that God got us. I remain willing to fight for my marriage and my efforts are not in vain. It is not all fun… nor is it always easy… and it is not supposed to be. You must be willing to remain in the fight, not just during the good times and beautiful moments, but through every battle, every down, and every dark night. It will only be worth it if you make it worth it. How many people are truly willing to make it worth fighting for?