I had time to calm down after my angry tirade… and I was able to logically look at the situation while two things occurred.
I am a person who went through a period where I gave, and gave, and gave, even when it hurt. I let anyone in because I just felt like, people are great. That backfired… bad. I met people in life I truly wish I’d never met. At one point I tried to live by something I took from one of my bestfriends, it was “never regret anything, because at one point it was exactly what you wanted”…. but that isn’t true. Sometimes it is NOT AT ALL what you want but it happens that way anyway. I regret a few things… I regret quite a few things, things that have shaped by life (but that’s a whole different blog)…. I absolutely have regrets in life. What happens now is that I look back and learn from those regrets so that I dont make the same mistakes. That is why when I became cynical of people, I came up with a new outlook on the people I let in my life… and I saw a new outlook on the people no longer in my life…
First, I no longer felt some type of way because I didn’t talk to someone anymore or whatever, because I realized that often, we mistake associations for friendships, and even further, we fail to understand that even certain friendships can run their course. Just because someone is no longer in my life doesn’t mean that it was a negative departure. We just went in separate directions in life.
My new outlook was a bit of a self declaration. I will never again entertain someone who made me feel any type of negative emotion. A bit extreme, yes… but a protective measure. I am an emotional person, I get hurt easily and for a long time I just let hurt happen to me. Why? That was what I asked myself, and that is why if I had any type of negative interaction or reaction with people I met at work or with current associates, I let them go. I was always still cordial and friendly, but I was walked off and I dropped any notion of ever building a friendship. It worked for me.
Its also why I never considered my battle buddies my friends, until I started really caring about certain ones. In AIT and at my duty station, I met people I can never forget… so it has been skewing my no-nonsense approach to friendship. I distanced myself from people I had a negative feeling about, but then I still wanted to hang out with the same people at times, so I was confused… am I creating a friendship or just surviving in the army? I had to realize that sometimes you will care for someone and you can even consider them a friend, but that doesn’t mean you will always feel joy toward them and it doesn’t mean you won’t have words on occasion…
So the first thing that happened after my situation, in which some things were said to me that offended me and I felt were hurtful, is I became angry and upset. I do not like feeling angry or upset… immediately I thought, well this is the second time I’ve felt this way, so there it is… but I was even unhappy with that decision. It was like, pick my own feelings first or ignore my anger…
Then, I ended up having a conversation with the person… randomly at that, because it wasn’t something that was planned like oh we need to talk, it was really random. What happened second was a deeper understanding behind actions.
I did this because of this..
I said this because of this…
I felt this way…
I thought this…
So now that conversation has occurred and apologizes have come… I have a moment to really look at the situation, and that was the reason for the update!
Emotions are felt by everyone, but everyone doesn’t feel the same emotions, and even more, we dont experience those feelings the same. I’m going to focus on what could have been done differently on both sides.
A. This is a person who is aggressive and can be presumptuous. It’s how they were raised, to put themself in the other person’s shoe, which is the right thing to do in most occasions, but also something that needs to be followed with inquiry… “If I were you I would feel this way”, but the issue with us doing that is we are not that person and we are assuming that they react to things the way we would. I am imagining how I would feel if we were in reverse roles is very considerate but we have to also consider that we are different people. The slippery slope is this…. putting myself in another person’s shoes is making a good hearted assumption on how they would feel, but to assume makes an ass out of you and me (something I heard growing up). It was assumed that I felt some type of way because I looked angry.
B. *I had a headache, I unfortunately suffer from migraines, I’m sure I’m not the only one. I had tension in my forehead and my face was scrunched up. I was still talking and I was in a good mood, until comments were made about how I looked, so I decided to just keep to myself, because I’d become upset – it sounds petty unless your a Black women living with the stigma of always being angry and always having an attitude and always….. looking angry. – I felt better after I took something but the tension was still there…. another comment was made… I just said fuck it. I felt attacked… the evening actually just kind of died when the waitress ruined everyone’s mood…*
I am a person who is emotional and I take things to heart. That is how I am and it took a long time to be ok with who I am. With that being said, I am an emotional person, and I am sensitive, so I can take things personally at times when I shouldn’t. It’s ok to be emotional but it is not ok when it cripples you or affects your mood easily. My feeling should not have been so easily wounded, I honestly should have not cared. I could have handled it differently.
“Fix your face” is a trigger for me for a number of reasons. I need to learn to let go of the things that bound me to society’s image and expectations.
I need to not be so emotional.
I think the point for me was something I already knew but needed to be reminded of…. its levels to everything. Every situation, every encounter, every argument, everyone. Sometimes you have to take a step back, maybe have your angry tirade to yourself, then use a cleared mind to really consider what just happened.
Why associate with someone you feel negatively about?
It’s one thing to have constructive criticism but even then sometimes you should keep your opinion to yourself…
I hate when people always got something negative to say. Like, let people be great, and fucking keep your opinions to yourself.
You’d be surprised, because the person your telling they look like this or act like that, they might think you over opinionated or a man-child… but they keep that shit to themself.
Even when I tell people what I may find to be a fault, I am respectful and say shit so as not to push people away… I hate people with that self entitled, self righteous, my shit don’t stink attitude…
It’s not hard to understand why someone would be introverted… less people I know, less people I need to fucking deal with.