Is it worth it? I mean, really, is it though?
So much goes on in our lives, sometimes we just have to ask ourselves, is it worth it?
I am planning a wedding, and fighting for a relationship, pushing through grad school, dealing with a job I hate with all my heart, fighting the urge to be the fatty patty my heart wishes I would be, coming back from financial issues, and smiling through the strong desire to punch people I thought I was close to in the back of the head…
Is it worth it though?
Is it worth is to worry about if someone is upset with you because they wont answer your text?
Is it worth it to fight for a person’s love who probably doesn’t understand how wonderfully they have it made?
Is it worth it to starve myself for a society that has made my natural shape a thing of disgust and “ugliness”?
Is it worth it to hold on to relationships that are probably best left dead because its hard to let go of people and lose friends?
Is it worth it to struggle for a degree that might be irrelevant when I need it most?
Is it worth it to pay for things to make other’s lives easier when it is pushing me deeper into a shitty little hole?
It is worth it to NOT MAKE THOSE FUCKING COOKIES?!?!?!?!
Why do I do it? Honestly, why? Why don’t I do the things that make me happy. Fuck everyone else?
Why don’t I go out fornicating in the wild, dancing around the fire naked, laying up with the freedom of a child (Safari, Jidenna)?
Why don’t I blow it all, and eat nonstop, and put MYSELF first?
Why cant I be selfish and cold and antipathetic, and uncaring, and stoic, and difficult too???
Why the fuck not?!?!?!
I don’t even know.
I have no answer, because I don’t know why I care, or why I fight, or why I keep trying, or why I concern myself, or why I keep smiling, or why I push myself to the point of literal physical and mental depletion.
I just do it. I do it because I like making people happy. I hold on to relationships even if they are toxic. I put myself fucking last in every situation, even my own fucking wedding because I don’t want to be called a bridezilla!
But I really just want to say FUCK IT AAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!
Its so tiring. I am so tired.