So I wrote this early January 2017:
I’m getting on a plane in less that two hours… and my biggest fear is having to crap during my flight. Why? Because I take fat burner pills. Why? Because according to the world I live in, I’m fat.
It’s really just my core area, if I had a six pack I’d be goals for some people. I’m actually pretty slim, but I’m tall, and pudgy in the middle, so I’m fat.
Being fat makes me feel insecure and undesirable. Plenty of people tell me how pretty I am and how I’m so not fat, but I am conditioned, so the fact that I don’t look a certain way and have certain measurements overrides any beauty present.
So now I’m sitting here, heart racing, stomach filled with butterflies, with the possibility of pooping at any moment, because I want to be less fat.
Is it worth it?
My healthcare provider told me I’m extremely healthy. My physical training group with my unit makes me feel like a lazy whale.
As of late February 2017:
I don’t know what changed… probably the work out group that I was in, and the moment I stopped feeling like a lazy whale… but I know a few things for fact right now: I am not fat, I have fat on me. I am healthy AF!. I am pretty active and live a decently active lifestyle. Not one person in the military seems to believe that I am “over-weight”, and realistically, the army’s height and weight standards are utter bull shit.
The thing is though, I want to be “slim”, I like not having fat on me, and I like being really active.
I also know that I still have yet to reach my size goal.
I was over 200 pounds in 2014, 210 to be exact. I weight 185 now, and its been that way for over a year…. for the life of me, I cant seem to get down to 170 pounds, and it pisses me off I tell you!
I do 3-5 miles of cardio four days out of the week. I sit in the sauna for 20-30 minutes two to four days out of the week. I can squat and deadlift 205 pounds as a beginning lightweight and I seem to have a developed a deep love for lifting weights.
I walk up and down about 3-5 flights of stairs at least 10 times in a day. I drink at minimum 1.5 liters of water daily and I eat moderately to extremely healthy.
I also learned that I have 25 pounds of unnecessary fat on me, and its the same “chubby” midsection its ALWAYS been. Its the kind of fat that causes people to be tired. Its the fat that aids in people getting diabetes. Its that fat that causes insecurity and bloating and digestion issues. Its the kind of fat that makes you crave sugar and salt and unhealthy fattening food, to enable that the fat stays where it is. I hate it.
I have done extreme things in an order to lose weight and get healthy in the past three years. Lean Cuisine diet, Special K diet, meal replacement, diet pills, water pills, waist trainings, no meat, no carbs, no sugar, no salt, water only, hard core cardio 7 days a week (like burning 700 calories and taking in like 1500), sauna suits while working out, weight lifting, all protein, fat burners, preparation H wraps, laxatives like four days a week…. I’ve tried some crazy shit.
I have learned: motivation, determination, and moderation are my only friends.
I also learned that sometimes, in order to achieve our goals, we need a little help, and as long as we are able and willing to give 100% on our part, help is ok.