You couldn’t understand how easy is it to tell someone what to do….. even if it’s done unintentionally or with the best interest at heart.
I personally have done it plenty of times… I’ve been the giver and receiver of the telling… and no matter what end your on, it seems so easy doesn’t it?
It’s too easy to say, “hey, give me your honest opinion” or “I need your advice”…
It’s too easy to tell someone to let the person they love go, because they deserve better. It is too easy to tell someone, they have to give up something they may be addicted to, because it is so bad for them. It is too easy to lecture someone on how they need to work-out because they are in poor shape. It is too easy to tell someone to ignore a certain situation, because they will only upset themselves if they keep giving it attention. It is too easy to tell someone to change something about themselves because it is a poor characteristic that wont get them far in life. It is too easy to tell someone to abandon someone who needs them, because they are being hurt in the process.
It is too easy to tell someone to do something difficult when we don’t have to do it… when we don’t know how they feel.
How easy is it to give an “unbiased, un-judging, honest, and fair” opinion… when the only person who truly knows how they feel, is the person going through whatever it is they are going through.
Honestly…… it’s too easy.
How easy is it to judge someone? To lecture someone? To tell someone something they already know?
My boyfriend and I broke up, literally a month shy of our one year anniversary. I broke up with him because I had reach my breaking point… because he broke my heart and I was ready to give up. Everyone told me to give up, because I asked for advice… Because I needed assurance that I could and should do without him.
First thing I learned is something I already knew and I am ashamed to say I had to be reminded of it because I wasn’t doing it……. don’t tell people your business. I am not saying that I went and told a bunch of people our business…. on the contrary, I only told people who asked about it or who I trust enough to support me when I need a shoulder to cry on (those so happen to be the same people, and a very small group of people at that)…. but the only person I need to discuss my relationship with is God. If God then tells me to discuss something with my boyfriend, THEN I will discuss it with my boyfriend, and that is it. We are the ONLY people who need to be involved in our relationship, and that’s how every intimate relationship is supposed to be…. God+her+him=Success. I learned to not ask for advice from anyone, but to pray. I learned that asking for advice when I don’t want to follow it is just wasting that friend’s time who is only doing what you asked of them… I learned that if I need to vent but don’t want to share the details that people typically expect to learn when you are using them to vent, then I should write it in a blog, where I can edit it and only put out what I want to vent out, and nothing more………… but I was so desperate for someone to tell me something that would make my heart feel less heavy, I ended up being resentful that people told me the logical thing to do… don’t be stupid.
But loving someone isn’t stupid. Not trusting that God will ease the burden is stupid.
Second thing I learned is why I feel the way I feel in regards to the first thing I learned… I realize that an angry person will vilify the person they love the most because they only share the things that make them angry… when our relationships are going good, we are in our relationships and not even thinking about anyone else or sharing how we feel because we feel good and it makes us focus more on the relationship… but as soon as something goes bad, we are angry and can not deal with the other person, because they let us down, so we share our feelings with friends and family, and now our loved one looks like the devil and everyone hates them. If I only share bad things about my boyfriend with my family and friends, they will sympathize with me and grow disdainful towards him. So now, if things work out and we get back together… people are like, really?????
It is not fair to make someone out to be a villain, when any other time you are together they make you feel like you’re floating… they are your very own personal hero.
………….. as “bad” as I made my boyfriend out to be…. I can’t breathe when we say good-bye, that we will call it quits, and that we aren’t meant to be.
I literally feel like shit. It hurts that badly……
The third thing I learned, is that its ok to be emotional and confused, and angry too… and its ok to tell God about it. It’s also ok to express it to the person who hurt me.
People expect you to do something, and then they are disappointed when you change your mind. That is understandable, especially if you went to them with the hurt and anger you felt at the moment. But I think we forget to consider how confused the other person feels at the moment… how conflicted they are.
The moment I told my boyfriend that he hurt me and that I blamed him for everything that happened, I realized that he isn’t that jerk I told myself he is. He understands that he did something wrong… he may not know how to fix it, but he acknowledges my anger and he acknowledges that I have a right to flip out on occasion because I am still hurt.
So now, I am supposed to let this guy go, cut him loose, sever all ties, block him, and forget he exist……………….. I can’t.
I tried to do something by myself the other day and I felt miserable the whole time. I felt alone, and unhappy, and tears threatened to spill over every time I blinked……. I missed him. So I asked him to come to where I was and spend the day with me… after I had already told him that I was done, and that we were no longer to speak, ever again… he was there within the hour, and I was floating on air the entire rest of the day. I never realized how much I smile with him, until I felt my face adjusting to the permanent fixture on it.
He screws up. And he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman he has seen. He prays with me. He makes me laugh and he goes grocery shopping with me, for hours because I am so slow. He is late all the time because I am still doing my hair. He works out with me. He emails me at work. He encourages me to eat fattening soul food because he knows how happy soul food makes mmeeeeeeee! He sits and watches TV with me. He drives those longs drives between where we live and… everywhere else on this island… because I like to sleep during the rides… even when he is tired too.
The fact is he is a vastly flawed man. He has issue to work through. He needs help growing and becoming a better person. He is a sinner, and he falls down sometimes. He is human… just how I am human.just how I need redemption and forgiveness…. just how I expect people to give me chance after chance.
Think about this: my mother is my heart. I love that woman like the air I breathe. Only God knows the love I have for the woman who carried me into this world, and went through child-birth, and childhood, and late nights, and all the terrible things I said to her in my youth, and still loved me like I was her greatest gift from God. I don’t deserve my mommy, and all she does for me, but she loves me anyway. I don’t think any of us in my family really deserve the willingness and loyalty she gives. She has never abandoned me.
Consider this: I am unworthy of God’s love. I don’t deserve God’s forgiveness. I have done nothing to deserve the blessings God has given me. I am so unworthy of God, and yet I have God.
I am not going to abandon my “ex-boyfriend”, because he asked me not to leave him.He asked me not to give up on him…. so I will pray fervently for him.
The way that I love that man is only possibly through God.
While we may not be in a relationship, that doesn’t change the fact that we love each other and want to be together. We want to please God individually and together, so that we are blessed and able to make out relationship work with the backing of God….. this will take time and a lot of work… but he says he isn’t letting me go, and I am ok with that… so I guess we better suit up and get ready for a fight.
It is too easy for me to tell someone my advice. It is too easy for me to ask someone else’s advice…
It is not easy to be human in situations that require us to be just that… human. It is not easy to face something head on, and have to act based on your own intuition. It is not easy to not second guess yourself. It is not easy to not worry, even after its turned over to God. It is not easy to forgive. It is not easy to forget. It isn’t easy to admit defeat, hurt, or take fault. It is not easy to make a mistake.
But sometimes we have to take the hard road if we want to reach the goals God has set for us… if it were easy, it wouldn’t be worth it.