That shit I never wanted to hear about growing up.

I used to HATE when older people would give me advice about life…
Or about their struggles…
Or about what I was going to learn as I got older.

I felt like… “I am nothing like you and my life will be nothing like yours!”

But I mean honestly, isn’t that how all young people are? Pigheaded.
That’s how I was, that’s for damn sure.

I mean I feel like it probably started around maybe like 13 or 14, when I got that “teen” at the end of my age.

I started to get irritated when older people would say stuff to me like:
-You’re going to learn when you have children
-One day, you’ll understand, when you have bills
-One day…..
and I would be like whatever…

I think 15 and 16 is where I started thinking…
-Well I’ll be different
-I don’t really care what you’re saying because I can change that
-I can raise my kids differently
-I can put away enough money to not have to worry about bills

I think 18, you know when society tells you that you’re grown… is when I really started to think that I was grown! I was like “I’m 18, I’m off on my own and in college, I don’t have any parental supervision, and making my own decisions!!!”
… And let me tell you… I was young and dumb… as hell.
But I think every single 18 year old in the world is just like that.
Every 18 to ( I’d say) 22 year old is young and dumb.
It’s that college-age time, where everything changes.
When I was 18, I knew it all, I was making my own decisions, I had things under control.
It just so happens that I fucked up royally all the time!
I just thought my life was so difficult and so dramatic and it was just so many things would happen to me that I couldn’t take it all!!!!
And oh my gosh let me not get started on my attitude!
I was a bitch.
I mean a Class A bitch…

And then 19 hit, and I was a whole year older….
And I was still a bitch
If not worse.
I felt like “hey, I’m 19, like I’m not 18 anymore, you know, I’m pretty much into adulthood… like, thanks bitch and have a fuck you day!”
I didn’t give a fuck about anything but myself, period!

When 20 came I was like ” oh my God I’m not a teenager anymore, fuck me sideways! I’m grown as fuck, can’t nobody tell me shit.”
That’s when I started arguing back with older people who would tell me things like:
-when you have kids you’ll understand more
-when you have bills you will understand
-your attitude will change the older you get
-you’ll start viewing things differently when you get older
because I’d tell people I was not going to raise my kids how they raised theirs and I wouldn’t have the issues they had with their kids.
I’d have money in the bank and my advice about life’s stresses would be flawless.
I felt like I was nothing like them and my life will be nothing like theirs!
I mean honestly isn’t that how all young people are? That’s how I was, thats for damn sure.
Oh and don’t get me started on the attitude okay! I was a bitch like, oh wait did I already mention that! That shit was real…
So I’m just like you know I’m 20 I got this under control I’m very mature for my age, and ignoring all the stupid mistakes that I made and all the petty things that could have been avoided and all the ignorant things that I partook in, I had my shit together right!

Then 21 hit and oh baby! Not only was I mature and grown but I could drink legally!
I spent an entire fucking year pissy fucking drunk!
I mean I was always drinking!
So now I was mature and I knew everything and I had all my shit together and I didn’t need advice from anyone else and I could drink!
You could not tell me shit!

And really quickly let me just say this, it was bad enough hearing shit from adults but then when like my cousins who were closer to my age would say stuff… that pissed me off.
I’m saying like when people in their upper 20s and lower 30s would make comments to me like “you got a bad attitude but you will grow out of it” or “you’ll grow out of that immaturity” or “you know I can’t wait until life just smacks your ass silly because you have a lot to learn”…. I’m like okay bitch but I’m not going to be bitter like you because you’re only 26 or 28 or 33 or whatever, and already you don’t have your life together. I plan on being married with 3 kids by the time I’m 28 so bitch bye! It just really pissed me off!
Anyway

22… that’s the year I graduated from college.
Sidenote: I don’t think I mentioned this before but I’ll just say this right now……. young adults go through whorish years. I feel like from 18 to maybe 23, young men and young women lose their fucking minds. Whoring becomes a way of life! I mean…. seriously!
But I feel like that’s okay, because you’re young, and what better time to get out there and sow your oats and explore the world than when you’re young enough to handle it? When you’re still immature and don’t really care about shit else right?

But anywho, 22 and college is over… I’m almost kind of an adult like I’m kind of getting up there in age but not really… I’m out of college, I have to get a real job now, I might have to pay bills now, like fuck! My dad has been paying my rent and car note! I’m going to have to find somewhere to live…. NO!!!! I’m not ready! I’ll just live with my parents for awhile and figure my life out…

But I will tell you this, 22 is when that attitude adjustment came through! I mean I went from fuck the world, fuck you, fuck him, fuck her, fuck everybody, I know everything… to: I might need some advice.
I started really looking back on all the decisions that I made growing up and I started looking back on things that I did and I honestly started regretting a lot of shit.
I’m a firm believer of not regretting anything because at one point it was exactly what you wanted or what you wanted to do or what you wanted to say… But I really was like, if I could go back and redo a whole lot of shit I honestly would.
And it just hit me hard that I was like young, kind of stupid, and kind of young and dumb as hell… but that helped alot because it enabled me to start making more adult decisions. It enabled me to start thinking more in an adult manner.

I think 22 is the age where I started to mature.

Because when 23 came, I was like NO PLEASE NO, GOD NO!
Like I am out of college and I am 23!
I am no longer that:
“Oh, she’s sexy, 18, she’s fresh and new to the adult world”
“She’s 19, a young tenderoni”
“She’s 20 and young and ready for the world”
“Oh baby is 21, shit everybody loves a 21 year old”
Not even 22 and fresh out of college!!!
I was 23, I was a year out of college, and I was a year into “what the fuck are you about to do with your life?”
So getting a full-time job and living with my parents and being grateful to God that they paid all the bills and they had purchased my car and were giving me the title and they pretty much fucking took complete care of me, as long as I had that full-time job… Well hell! It was quite an experience!
Because even more I learn that I really was young and dumb, I really made dumb decisions, and I really fucked a lot up… like I was really immature!
Im like… fuck I really hope my parents keep paying my fucking bills!
It was a year of possibly coming to terms with the fact that all my older cousins and all of those people were possibly right and they really just cared about me which is the reason they even made the comments they made.

So when 24 hit… I was like, man… I’m 24 years old. I am two years out of college and I am making adult decisions. I am paying for repairs on my car and my own gas.. occasionally… and helping with the groceries and I’m paying for dog’s grooming and hospital visits and I’m looking into getting my own place and saving fucking money and oh my God, I need a savings plan!

So 24 was the year that I made one of the biggest decisions of my life.
I decided to join the military.
I joined the army.
Fucking Hooah.
I joined at a pretty late age and I can honestly say that as immature and inexperienced as I was… I join the military with like six years of life experience and growth… six years more than many of the 18 year olds who were fresh out of high school joining.
And not just the military, but I mean simply being around different people was an eye-opener.
And being around so many super young people, even two to three years under you, it is quite an experience. Its like, fuck, this was me 3 years ago, or, this was me 6 years ago, or, this was me 9 years ago!!! And you’re like…
Wow!!! This is how I was.
I thought I was a pain in the ass!

So side note, because this reminded me of a friend I have actually… sometimes I refer to her as the little sister I never really wanted until I got her, and sometimes even now I’m like, “man, I am so glad that I was the youngest, because I would have killed her by now!!!!”
She is young, 2o, and I see myself in her, at that age, I’m her.
I see the attitude and the no fucks given. The nonchalance to this and that, and the “out just enjoying life and not having to answer to anyone” spirit… young and crazy in her case!
But….. I must say this, being out in the world has taught me that life will take you down different paths and those paths teach you different things.
As much as I see my young 20-year-old inexperienced and immature self in her… I see a young woman who join the military… as a child. Someone who did not get to go and experience the college life… who didn’t experience dorm life… who won’t experience that 21st birthday with all her other friends who turn 21 that year…. who didn’t get to experience daddy and mommy paying all her bills…. she didn’t experience life as a child, so to a degree, she’s a lot older than I was at 20. Even if I see myself in her personality wise and attitude wise, she is doing things that adults should be doing. She could have been put in a Tactical Unit and she could be out in the field or on a deployment risking her life. She’s doing things a 20 year old girl should not be doing… but she made that choice… so she is a lot more mature than I would have ever been at 20… So sometimes when I see her and I want to smack her because I’m like “oh my gosh you are just so hard headed, I just can’t get through!”…. I remember like, not only was this me, but I got to enjoy acting up. I got to go off and bitch at adults. I got to say fuck you to a lot of the older people in my life who I didn’t like… and she only gets to act out when people who don’t hold her career and livelihood in their hands are around… she only gets to act out around me and people she’s comfortable with because she can only be a kid around us. When we’re done being normal people, she puts that uniform back on and she’s back to doing the job that an adult should be doing because she should be out enjoying her life and being immature and having fun…

That was just a side note though because I was thinking that the other day, like really, in my heart, I want her to have that same experience I had as a 20 year old and I know she won’t because she’s too grown up to be a 20 year old, and that’s one of the things that I love about her and I hate about her situation.

But anywho, like I was saying, I joined the military, and it was a very mature decision for me to make, because I had decided that I liked my job but I didn’t like it enough to stay. I needed some security. I needed a way to pay for a graduate degree. I needed a way to see the world and not have to pay for it.
I needed discipline .
I needed to lose weight.
I needed to have that experience, where I not only gained insight on the world around me but I learned discipline and structure.
I’m learning how to deal with different people from different backgrounds.
I’m learning how to be more of a grown-up… without depending on my family.
Someone told me that I made a big girl decision and I put on my big-girl panties and I did a big girl thing, and that they were fucking proud of me.

24 is when I learned that,
no, I don’t know everything
yes, I do need advice and help
no, none of the petty shit that I held onto as a child matters anymore
yes, I was wrong about 80% of the things that happen that I thought I was right about
no, there is nothing truly wrong in my life
yes, I am truly blessed
no, I am not mature
yes, I do want to go back to the days where Mommy and Daddy paid all my bills…

So you can imagine when I turned 25 how horrifying it was to be a quarter of a century.
To be someone who teenagers looked at as old! Teenagers at my church told me I was old! I had one actually say to me “you were 13 when I was born, your way older than me, you’re like old”….
I’m old, is all I could think about at 25…
I started losing the urge to go out and meet guys and you know, fuck around.
I completely and utterly started having the desire to be in a committed relationship with one man.
I stopped thinking of myself and I literally started putting the people in my life ahead of me.
I started to grow the fuck up.

And now that I’m 26, going on 27 in less than a year, I’m like fuck.
I’m old… not only am I old, but I’ll be 30 in less than five years.
I need to have retirement plan in place by the time I get out of the military. I need to have money in my savings account, I mean like 6 months worth of income just in case something happens and I need to survive on my own without a job. I need to get this master’s degree taken care of. I need to figure out where I’m going in my relationship. I mean shit, I need to be an adult! Luckily, now the Army pays my bills, but let’s be real, in a few years I’ll be doing this shit all on my own… like I need to get a house! Like, I’m going to get a house! And have a fucking mortgage! Like I pay a car note and insurance! A fucking phone bill! Like Shit!

And now that I’m 26….
it is never been more clear to me…..
that the longer I live, the more wisdom, knowledge, maturity, and experience I gain.
And I can honestly tell you it has been in the past two years that I realize that I’ve lived 26 years irrelevantly because I did not have God in my life the way I needed to.
But the more I learn, the deeper into my faith I grow, and the more I realize that God is the only thing that matters.

I’m becoming a lot more humble and I’m maturing and I can honestly say I’m getting my shit together.

And what makes it better is that I know I don’t have my shit together yet, I’m working on it…

I also came to the conclusion that….

I ain’t old! FAWK YOU MEAN! Im barely reaching my prime! I’m still a young, sexy thang!!!!! I am the bomb!!!!!

But… most importantly, (in my quiet and reserved voice) I have gained the most important thing, and that is a renewed love for God!

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