Green Eyes

My eyes are green…. because I eat a lot of vegetables.

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Nah, that ain’t it. I’m jealous.
It’s a terrible trait, one of my worst faults. I absolutely hate it.
It’s ugly and pitiful.
It causes doubt, stress, and misery.
Jealously is a nasty bitch.

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So why is it so hard to NOT be jealous?!

Maybe it’s fear. I never had a lot of self confidence growing up. No one ever wanted to by my boyfriend or take me out. I thought I was too dark, my nose was too big, my body was subpar, my lips too small, my hair too short… which was ridiculous because my hair went past my shoulder blades!
It took a very long time to come to accept myself, to love myself for who I am. Only recently have I begun to love my skin. I used to think of getting cosmetic surgery all the time to fix all my imperfections.
Only recently have I truly started LOVING me. I love everything about myself and if I feel something needs improvement I work to improve it. I try to take care of my hair, keep it natural, because I love my afro. I try to keep my skin clear of blemishes, I wear minimal make up, I love how dark I am. My nose is fine, my lips are fine, and I am working to get toned and in shape…
I like me. Alot. I love me, because God loves me, and I think He did a pretty good job picking me.

So I ask again, WHY AM I JEALOUS?

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I am the only me, no one will ever compare, so why be worried about someone else???
Because I’m human.
I’m still not all that self confident.
I fear losing the person I find myself not wanting to ever let go off.
I’m needy. I need all of the attention. All of it.
I am scared of getting hurt.

So I get jealous at times. And it sucks…

At times I feel like I don’t trust my boyfriend. At times I feel he is neglecting me or taking me for granted. At times I think he will never feel for me what I feel for him.
I blame jealously.
Where is he at that he hasn’t called or text…. I wish he treated me like this or that….. I wish he loved me the way so and so loves his girlfriend.
All feelings of jealousy.

It’s ugly.
It has to change.

But wait… hold on a second… But… isn’t it a sign of love and flattery?!

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I think it’s so cute when my bf gets jealous… I’m like oh he really cares or OMG maybe he does love me…
And I feel like of course I’m jealous if he talks to other women… I have intimate knowledge of the type of person he is, and he don’t talk to you unless you caught his attention!
I don’t want any hoe eyeballing my man!
I dont want ANYONE eyeballing……. someone I have no claims over because we are not married and he can do as he damn well pleases……

I need to get that green eyed monster in check.
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