I was thinking to myself, I haven’t ranted on my blog for months… there are so many things on my mind, things I want to get off my chest ( I actually bought a journal but I tend to express myself in long winded tirades, and your arm can get tired doing that mess ), and obviously I cant write about it all at once, so what’s the most pressing matter at hand?
The thing that stays on my mind all day. The thing that keeps me up some nights. The thing that breaks my heart at time. I guess that’s the most pressing matter…
I have a boyfriend. Our relationship is okay. It has its ups, and it has a lot of downs… a lot. I used to be so happy to be in our relationship, so happy to be his girlfriend. I don’t know if my initial excitement was over him or just at being in a relationship, but it hasn’t been here lately.
Before my boyfriend, I had been celibate and single for almost 3 years. I remember the first time I saw him, I remember thinking to myself that he was kind of cute and I could work with him, but realistically, I had no intentions of anything happening between us. I was not looking for anyone. We met, we exchanged numbers on the basis of he had a car and didn’t mind giving me and my roommate rides if we needed them. We began to hang out more, and more, and eventually I feel like we became inseparable for the most part. Outside of work, we were always together, he even became a member at my church.
I have to be honest and say that he was not at all my type. I usually would go for tall, built, and dark. Kind of tough/thuggish, real aggressive, and funny/fun to be with. He doesn’t have all of these attributes. He isn’t tall or built, he isn’t dark either. He isn’t thuggish or aggressive in the least. But he did have that number one thing that makes me fall for someone: he made me smile. He made me laugh. He made me happy.
He made me forget about everything else I felt he was lacking. I mean I am sure I wasn’t his type either, and I had plenty of flaws he had to get past, but I feel like that’s what happens when you meet someone you could spend your life with. They aren’t perfect in any way. They are just as fucked up as you are, and that’s what makes you good for one another, you can put equal amounts of work into become better not only as individuals, but together.
I think this is why it was so easy for me to say that I loved him so early in our relationship. I thought that he was the person I was destined to marry. I told myself one day that I could spend my life with him. And I’ve held on to that for 8 months now.
But now I cant help but wonder, is this really what I want? Is this worth it?
As with any relationship, we have ups and downs. I listen to Erykah Badu’s “Sometimes” and I cant help but think, “damn, this is how I feel about him now”.
I am the type of person to devote myself once I’ve committed. The day we started our relationship, we broke up. I broke up with him because I felt that he didn’t really want to be with me and he didn’t like me the way I liked him. And in that moment he showed me a side of himself that I’d never seen. He showed me emotions. He asked me not to do this. He had me right then, and I didn’t even realize it. That should have been a sign though, because even after 8 months, he still feels the same, he doesn’t know if he really wants to be with me, and I feel the same, like….. he’s bad for me. I never imagined myself falling so hard for him. I never imagined loving someone who honestly has done the absolute minimum in warranting that love. I think to myself all the time that he doesn’t deserve me. Or maybe I’m just not his type? He doesn’t want to be committed to me, he just doesn’t want someone else to get the good catch that it just so happens he caught.
That isn’t fair.
I think we move towards a break up every couple of weeks, but its like its just a routine thing now. I decide I don’t want to keep putting myself through it, and by the end of the conversation, I am back to putting myself through it.
I don’t know why, but I seem to not be able to fully comprehend the idea of us not being together, not ending up together. I say all the time that we don’t know what the future holds and if its God’s will then yes we will be together but if not then we wont… but honestly, I don’t understand not being with him…. and I am not saying I cant live without him, I think I just would rather not. I want to be with him.
At least my heart does.
Because honestly, my mind is over it. And that’s a part of the problem. I am being extremely logical (like he is) and its draining me emotionally (which he isn’t). I am an emotional being. I grasp how I feel about something first then I figure out how to logically go about situations based on how I FEEL. I feel things. I FEEL! He doesn’t… and its rubbing off on me, because I am at a point where my mind is fighting my heart, and its dealing some seriously killer blows.
Right now, I FEEL like: I love him. I see potential in him. I am proud of him. I care for him. I am rooting for him. I would fight for him and I would back down for him (I literally mean fight). I embrace his flaws. I want to help him be a better man. I want him to grow spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. I have his back, I am in his corner. I will be his shoulder, his ear, his advisor, his assistant, his rib. I can see us building a beautiful future together, overcoming every battle and challenge that we encounter. I could marry this man and live happily.
Right now, I UNDERSTAND that: He is not ready for what I want. He doesn’t give me what I need. He is selfish. He can be robotic. He is literally out of touch with his surroundings. He has a poor attitude. He is not good for me. I am going to loose the person I was before I met him, meaning I am going to let my emotions die and become bitter and unfeeling. He is not ready to commit to loving me. He feels like I don’t understand the struggle he has with temptation. He feels like he could find someone better than me and he would rather be single when that moment happens. He cares or else he wouldn’t have put in the effort he has put in, but his effort is based on what he thinks I want, not what he feels.
We should not be together….. I think. But we shouldn’t give up…… (Fuck…..)
The important difference between us that is causing us to be on different pages:
I acknowledge that no one is going to be 100% perfect for just one person. It would take 10 people to create a perfect partner for just one person. I understand that the man I marry is not going to be perfect. I understand that there will be other men who come along, men who might like me, men I find myself attracted to. There might even be a man that makes me feel like he would be a better husband for me. I understand this is the reality of love and commitment. But here is the fundamental difference: I understand that I will make a choice not to cheat. I will make a choice not to look at or flirt with other men. I will make a choice to be not only faithful, but 100% loyal to my husband, because I CHOSE him. I made the choice to spend the rest of my life loving, fighting, learning, understanding, bettering, and growing (with) him. I will not regret not waiting for that other man, because I chose the husband I have just as he chose me over all those other women who were prettier, smarter, thinner, had more money, and may have even been willing to do more sexually (its easier to do nasty things with a stranger than face rejection or humiliation by the one you love).
He doesn’t have the resolve it takes to stay committed to one person, when another person might come along and offer to suck his dick in the office bathroom. He hasn’t reached the level of maturity that is required to make a life long commitment, because he cant run away from a wife, he cant take back “I love you”, and he cant pick that girl who was probably a better catch/better suited for him than the girl he vowed his loyalty and faithfulness to.
I cant fault him for this either, because we all have our own struggles and faults. My sins are no better than his. His afflictions are no harder than mine.
So now I find myself in a relationship where my heart is slowly bricking itself in, and my “no fucks given” is slowly tumbling out.